trying not to hold on too tightly

Regeneration

nobody@vox.com(electric firefly) — Mon, 30 Jun 2008 11:13:33 -0700

When I was a kid (this was conveniently during the time I lived in Hawaii), I became obsessed with starfish. What stunned me most was their ability to, rather quickly, shed and regenerate a limb. I wondered if it hurt to do this, or if it was some sort of everyday occurrence. I noticed the same thing about geckos and their tails and sea cucumbers that would vomit out their own internal organs. All of these biological feats are meant to be life-saving, so I imagine shedding a limb or spilling out one's guts isn't taken too lightly in the animal kingdom, but I cannot tell you how many quivering gecko tails wound up in my hands sans rightful owner.

Fast forward to a couple of months ago. I lost someone who I deeply admired and respected. A month ago, I went to her memorial service and sat through nearly three hours of people saying why loved this woman and how much they would miss her. During the entire service, I watched two of her best friends, with whom I was much closer, hold each other and try to make it through the entire thing without completely melting away (3 hours equates to buckets and buckets of tears for anyone not familiar with such services).

It occurred to me that a couple of years ago, they used to be a gang of 4. For reasons that are unimportant here, one of them was marginalized due to work events that, unfortunately, I was privy to and slightly involved in (no malfeasance on my part). Now, these two women were mourning the very real and physical loss of a second, with just the two of them to anchor themselves. It seemed to me that it must be the equivalent of losing a limb. How do you stay afloat when you are missing a limb you have relied on all this time and always expected to be there?

I watched all of my departed friends and family members cling to each other for support and strength, never realizing that we have our own form of regeneration. Since then, I have watched her family go about their daily business (5 days a week I pass her house and see her husband buckling the kids in the car), her friends out and about with other friends, and her workplace move on in her absence. Most days, I even see smiles on the faces of those she left behind.

I know from my own experience that the grief one experiences after loss waxes and wanes. It becomes less biting over time, though on most days you can still feel it there if you look for it (or even if you don't). But recently, I have been struck by the idea that if you do things right in this world (by this I mean not alienating everyone around you), when you lose someone, especially someone who is like a limb, it seems that the universe has a way of helping you regenerate that support, love and community. You, of course, have to be open to it and have to accept it. And it obviously doesn't happen overnight. But the limb will return to you.

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more quotes I love

nobody@vox.com(electric firefly) — Fri, 28 Mar 2008 10:38:20 -0700

"I am burning. If anyone lacks tinder, let him set his rubbish ablaze with my fire." Rumi

"It is unethical not to know. It is unethical not to think. It is unethical not to love. It is unethical not to live an impassioned life. It is unethical not to attain greatness. It is unethical to succumb to the fear of envy and the conspiracy of mediocrity. It is unethical not to self-bestow genius. It is unethical not to be the first monkey." Yasuhiko Genku Kimora

- along the lines of the latter, please visit Geology Byotch. You'll see why when you get there.

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one of my new favorite quotes

nobody@vox.com(electric firefly) — Mon, 24 Mar 2008 13:32:47 -0700

"I appeal from your customs. I must be myself. I cannot break myself any longer for you, or you. If you can love me for what I am, we shall be the happier. If you cannot, I will still seek to deserve that you should. I will not hide my tastes or aversions. I will so trust that what is deep is holy, that I will do strongly before the sun and moon whatever inly rejoices me, and the heart appoints. If you are noble, I will love you; if you are not, I will not hurt you and myself by hypocritical attentions. If you are true, but not in the same truth with me, cleave to your companions; I will seek my own." Ralph Waldo Emerson

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It's nothing personal

nobody@vox.com(electric firefly) — Mon, 10 Mar 2008 17:47:57 -0700

I have decided to simplify my life. (Perhaps this is nesting come a bit early.) My neighborhood grew too large for me to keep up with everyone and I have done some trimming. Some people's blogs I never read, some hadn't updated for months (some had been so long I forgot why I added them in the first place), and some I found I just didn't have a common bond with. I am putting this post up because I do not want to email every person I trimmed or will trim in the future and explain my decision (I know some expect correspondence when cut and I just don't think I can or want to do that).

I can assure you that you are likely a very lovely person, but I am evaluating the amount of time I spend on this site and the reasons why. I have never been of the "have the largest neighborhood" mentality and I want the connections I make here to be meaningful. If my community is too large, I simply cannot keep up with you and I believe that having you in my neighborhood means something more than you being a mere face on the screen.

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Vox Hunt: They Say It's Good to Want Things

nobody@vox.com(electric firefly) — Fri, 22 Feb 2008 18:35:26 -0800

Show us what you want, but can't have.

Are you sure you're ready for this, Vox? Here it is:

Gay marriage

Yes, that's right, I want gay marriage to be legalized. I just read the most horrifying story over on Dancing Bear's site about a lesbian woman who was denied access - along with her children - to the the woman she had been partnered with for 18 years who was dying in the hospital. (You really must read the story because it is more horrifying and awful than I can give words to.) These two had been married for EIGHTEEN YEARS. (For the record, I consider a domestic partnership where two people have all of the trappings of marriage to in fact be a marriage.)

I have been married to my husband for almost ten years. If I had known then how big a battle gay marriage would become, I likely would have opted not to get married. I believe it is profoundly cruel to deny two people the opportunity to have the same level of respect and protection that a heterosexual couple has solely because these two people happen to be of the same gender. It is utterly arbitrary to say, "Yes, you two, you are okay to make medical choices for each other, but you two, I don't think so." Honestly, what difference does it make in your day-to-day life?

I know this is a big battleground for some Christian conservatives. (Now, before my neighbors attack me for criticizing Christians, please note I said some. And please also note that I am choosing not to address any other religions that also oppose gay marriage at this point - though I know they are out there - because they don't tend to be the one most influential on Washington.) The Christianity I grew up with taught me a few key things: don't judge others, don't hate, love every person and treat them as you would want to be treated.

Marriage is a great, beautiful, difficult and challenging path. By most accounts, I have a successful one (we are still together after almost 10 years and we still madly love each other). But I am no means any expert on it. I do not believe that I am somehow more fit for it because I am straight. Nor do I believe I am any more loving a spouse, any more loyal, any more prepared to make life and death decisions. I am not. I am just as equipped as everyone, and I mean EVERYONE, else out there.

I have never heard a single argument against gay marriage that makes sense (and for that matter didn't sound like it was being spat out by someone stricken with rabies). If you are against it, I ask you to look inside yourself and ask what difference it makes to you? In your daily life, what does it matter? And ask yourself if you are the kind of person that is comfortable having different standards for people based on immutable characteristics?

It used to be that this country sterilized people with developmental disabilities and refused to allow them to get married. Interracial marriages were criminal. We have taken a long time to evolve as a people and to treat each other with the respect and dignity we so desperately want. Why are we denying ourselves the opportunity to fully realize an equal society?

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Why I vote Blue and why I voted Obama

nobody@vox.com(electric firefly) — Wed, 06 Feb 2008 10:58:06 -0800

I was raised in a relatively strict Republican household and, naturally, rebelled a bit. I started out thinking Republicans were the way to go because that's the way we went at home. In fact, I can remember being a precocious 9- or 10-year-old (read: utterly obnoxious) telling our 40-year-old next door neighbor that her vote for Mondale/Ferraro was a wasted vote. No, I was not an Alex P. Keaton in training, I just hadn't really thought things through for myself.

Throughout my life, I was raised to respect and love the environment and taught that serving your community was the highest calling you could have. My parents, particularly my mom, had a great deal of empathy and love for other people and that is something I inherited from them. While we differ on how to get there, we all generally believe that everyone should have health insurance, that education is of primary importance, and that those that need assistance should get it. We hold the same core values, but over time, I realized that I didn't hear those values coming from the Republicans the same way my parents did.

When I was a junior in high school, my dad went to war - for the second time in his life. High school is a tumultuous time for anyone, let alone someone who has just moved across the country to start at a new school, once again as the new kid. And having a loved one in war is horrifying. Granted, the Persian Gulf War wasn't the utter nightmare this one has turned out to be, but it was also not without its casualties, and not without its nights of fear that you might not see your family member again. All of these destabilizing elements caused me to take a good, solid look at what I believed in and how I thought we could get to a better place. It also caused me to question a fairly solid religious faith I had had until then.

Here's where I came out: for me, most organized religion, while having its obvious upsides, is used essentially as crowd control. The people I knew who were allegedly Christian harbored deep-seated hatred and intolerance for those unlike them. The whole reason I liked Christianity was because it was about love. But, everywhere I looked, I only saw love for those most like the group and a few unfortunate souls to do some good deeds for.

When I was a kid, I went to Catholic school for a few years and got a prayer book. In it were the corporal works of mercy (visit the imprisoned, feed the hungry, etc.). These few instructions formed the basis for my life philosophy. Yet, when I looked around at those who professed to also believe in this way of life, I couldn't see the same thing. I saw an emphasis on God hates gay people, killing abortion doctors, or even just the occasional racist comment about Middle Easterners.

Then I heard Bill Clinton start to campaign. Now the man is far from perfect and his sharing of love is probably not the kind I was actually envisioning. But, he talked about helping the homeless and rebuilding Iraq. Hillary talked about health care for all. They talked about protecting the environment and generally creating a nurturing society, or as close to one as we'll ever get.

When I turned 18, I promptly registered to vote and few months later cast my ballot for Clinton. I did the same four years later. And while I think there are a number of dodgy things that went down during that administration, on the whole, I believe our people were more cared for, as were people of other countries. I think during those 8 years, human life was valued just a little bit more than corporations. During that time, America was less hated internationally.

In the seven years since then, we have well-deservedly become the most hated nation in the world, we have dismantled our Constitution, and have given the uber-wealthy and corporations free reign while strangling the low- and middle-income people in this country. Human rights and civil rights are now things of the good ol' days. And the Christianity that demands our attention in the media again is about hate.

I never intended to vote for Obama in the beginning. I intended to vote for Kucinich or, as a more viable candidate, Edwards. These are men who speak to the issues that make my heart beat. They talk about caring for the poor, housing the homeless, re-energizing this economy for everyone, and making sure people have health insurance. Seriously, folks, health insurance! It stuns me that people out there believe it is okay to deny medical coverage to someone because they cannot pay for it. And before you throw any Medicaid rhetoric my way, pay a visit to my neighbor Cat and read the horror stories there. What has happened to her family is nothing short of criminal and sinful and I don't see it getting better if I vote "family values" red. In fact, I see it getting worse.

Anyhow, with my two preferences non-viable and out of the race, I was determined to cast a vote that mattered as much as it could. When I looked at my options, I truly believed Obama would bring about some change. I don't know that he can revolutionize the way we approach things, because looking at the Super Tuesday races last night, I realized this country is more fractured than I originally thought. But, I believe he wants change. I believe Clinton wants the White House. There is a difference. And that difference is the world to me. She wants the post because she wants to be President. I truly believe Obama wants it because he wants to serve the people. Yes, Clinton is smart and savvy; yes, she has some experience. But, I think that what motivates her most is her own ambition.

So, for those who still have a vote to cast. Take it seriously. Really consider your options. And cast the vote that speaks your heart, not your fear or anger or frustration.

I won't dismantle comments, because I still believe in the idea of freedom of speech, for as long as we have it. However, please do not leave some vitriolic diatribe about why I am wrong. You will not persuade me and you will only prove my point.

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How You Can Help Haiti

nobody@vox.com(electric firefly) — Wed, 30 Jan 2008 14:00:29 -0800

Earlier I posted an AP article detailing how poor Haitians are being forced to eat mud cookies because the cost of food has gone up due to the increased cost of oil. Unfortunately, I was in such a hurry, I neglected to mention anything about you can help. (Thanks, Amy!)

I have been to Haiti twice and solidarity work for the last several years. Due to the political situation there, it is often hard to know which organization is the best able to help at any given time, so I will list a few resources.

To get educated on Haiti and its dire human rights situation, you can visit The Institute for Justice and Democracy in Haiti and The Haiti Action Committee.

You can donate to Zanmi Lasante's child nutrition program. Zanmi Lasante is a program of Partners in Health, founded by Dr. Paul Farmer - a truly amazing man.

You can make a donation to the Vanguard Foundation's Haiti Emergency Relief Fund.

You can advocate for forgiving Haiti's debt (courtesy of Haiti Reborn).

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heartbreak

nobody@vox.com(electric firefly) — Wed, 30 Jan 2008 10:27:05 -0800

This story certainly put my own worries into perspective today:

Poor Haitians Resort to Eating Dirt

By JONATHAN M. KATZ – 18 hours ago

PORT-AU-PRINCE, Haiti (AP) — It was lunchtime in one of Haiti's worst slums, and Charlene Dumas was eating mud. With food prices rising, Haiti's poorest can't afford even a daily plate of rice, and some take desperate measures to fill their bellies. Charlene, 16 with a 1-month-old son, has come to rely on a traditional Haitian remedy for hunger pangs: cookies made of dried yellow dirt from the country's central plateau.

The mud has long been prized by pregnant women and children here as an antacid and source of calcium. But in places like Cite Soleil, the oceanside slum where Charlene shares a two-room house with her baby, five siblings and two unemployed parents, cookies made of dirt, salt and vegetable shortening have become a regular meal.

"When my mother does not cook anything, I have to eat them three times a day," Charlene said. Her baby, named Woodson, lay still across her lap, looking even thinner than the slim 6 pounds 3 ounces he weighed at birth.

Though she likes their buttery, salty taste, Charlene said the cookies also give her stomach pains. "When I nurse, the baby sometimes seems colicky too," she said.

Food prices around the world have spiked because of higher oil prices, needed for fertilizer, irrigation and transportation. Prices for basic ingredients such as corn and wheat are also up sharply, and the increasing global demand for biofuels is pressuring food markets as well.

The problem is particularly dire in the Caribbean, where island nations depend on imports and food prices are up 40 percent in places.

The global price hikes, together with floods and crop damage from the 2007 hurricane season, prompted the U.N. Food and Agriculture Agency to declare states of emergency in Haiti and several other Caribbean countries. Caribbean leaders held an emergency summit in December to discuss cutting food taxes and creating large regional farms to reduce dependence on imports.

At the market in the La Saline slum, two cups of rice now sell for 60 cents, up 10 cents from December and 50 percent from a year ago. Beans, condensed milk and fruit have gone up at a similar rate, and even the price of the edible clay has risen over the past year by almost $1.50. Dirt to make 100 cookies now costs $5, the cookie makers say.

Still, at about 5 cents apiece, the cookies are a bargain compared to food staples. About 80 percent of people in Haiti live on less than $2 a day and a tiny elite controls the economy.

Merchants truck the dirt from the central town of Hinche to the La Saline market, a maze of tables of vegetables and meat swarming with flies. Women buy the dirt, then process it into mud cookies in places such as Fort Dimanche, a nearby shanty town.

Carrying buckets of dirt and water up ladders to the roof of the former prison for which the slum is named, they strain out rocks and clumps on a sheet, and stir in shortening and salt. Then they pat the mixture into mud cookies and leave them to dry under the scorching sun.

The finished cookies are carried in buckets to markets or sold on the streets.

A reporter sampling a cookie found that it had a smooth consistency and sucked all the moisture out of the mouth as soon as it touched the tongue. For hours, an unpleasant taste of dirt lingered.

Assessments of the health effects are mixed. Dirt can contain deadly parasites or toxins, but can also strengthen the immunity of fetuses in the womb to certain diseases, said Gerald N. Callahan, an immunology professor at Colorado State University who has studied geophagy, the scientific name for dirt-eating.

Haitian doctors say depending on the cookies for sustenance risks malnutrition.

"Trust me, if I see someone eating those cookies, I will discourage it," said Dr. Gabriel Thimothee, executive director of Haiti's health ministry.

Marie Noel, 40, sells the cookies in a market to provide for her seven children. Her family also eats them.

"I'm hoping one day I'll have enough food to eat, so I can stop eating these," she said. "I know it's not good for me."

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some sweet movies

nobody@vox.com(electric firefly) — Mon, 28 Jan 2008 17:35:39 -0800

As Valentine's Day approaches, I find myself recoiling at the thought of corporate-mandated reassurances of affection and thinking about some of the sweeter, more genuine love stories I've seen. So, in the spirit of sharing the love, I thought I'd pass these along for those who haven't seen them. If you have any other suggestions, please let me know.

Eagle v. shark

I recently picked up Eagle v. Shark solely because it had Jemaine Clement from Flight of the Conchords. It is a story about two social misfits who end up falling in love. It is painfully awkward in quite a few places and is definitely slow-paced, but I find myself continuing to think back on it. It is simple (relatively) and genuinely sweet and nothing at all like your standard romantic comedy fare.

Once

For a while, it seemed like everyone I knew was encouraging me to see Once. I was initially resistant because of the hype, but am so glad I did. The movie isn't so much a boy-gets-girl movie, but there is such a sweetness between these two characters that is really endearing. I absolutely loved it, and loved the soundtrack (which I now proudly own). In all fairness, the movie does essentially seem to be a vehicle for the music, but the relative sparseness of dialogue worked well and charged their interactions in a way that you don't see in most movies.

The girl in the cafe

Once actually reminded me a lot of The Girl in the Cafe. I can't put my finger on exactly why, but they have a very similar feel or quality. The Girl in the Cafe is essentially about an older man who works as an economist for the British government. He meets a much younger woman in a cafe (hence the title) and invites her to a WTO summit he has to attend for work. What happens between them is touching and beautiful. I absolutely loved this movie.

Amelie

Amelie is one of my all-time favorite movies. I cannot say enough good things about it. I own very few movies and this is one of them. While most people think of this movie as chronicling her adventures, there is a very tender love story at the heart of it. Amelie creates connection with everyone around her and, eventually establishes a romantic connection for herself. If you have not seen it, you absolutely must.

I think my favorite parts of the movie are the hide-and-seek game she ends up playing with Nico and then their first meeting in person, though all of it is fantastic.

Well, I hope this provided some not-so-standard options for the upcoming "holiday."* Enjoy.

*Note: I am not bitter about Valentine's Day per se, rather I dislike the consumer pressure placed on people. You must show someone you love them and you must do it in very circumscribed ways: a purchased card, purchased flowers, purchased chocolates, dinner out, diamonds, etc. I believe love should be celebrated every day and in a way that meshes with the people involved. If you want to celebrate Valentine's Day, great, but don't let commercials dictate your expectations, create your own vision instead. *puts soapbox away*

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This one is for Kirk

nobody@vox.com(electric firefly) — Thu, 17 Jan 2008 10:09:19 -0800

This morning on my walk into work I saw this bumper sticker:

Cthulhu

Why vote for a lesser evil indeed?

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