Vox Hunt: They Say It's Good to Want Things
Show us what you want, but can't have.
Are you sure you're ready for this, Vox? Here it is:
Yes, that's right, I want gay marriage to be legalized. I just read the most horrifying story over on Dancing Bear's site about a lesbian woman who was denied access - along with her children - to the the woman she had been partnered with for 18 years who was dying in the hospital. (You really must read the story because it is more horrifying and awful than I can give words to.) These two had been married for EIGHTEEN YEARS. (For the record, I consider a domestic partnership where two people have all of the trappings of marriage to in fact be a marriage.)
I have been married to my husband for almost ten years. If I had known then how big a battle gay marriage would become, I likely would have opted not to get married. I believe it is profoundly cruel to deny two people the opportunity to have the same level of respect and protection that a heterosexual couple has solely because these two people happen to be of the same gender. It is utterly arbitrary to say, "Yes, you two, you are okay to make medical choices for each other, but you two, I don't think so." Honestly, what difference does it make in your day-to-day life?
I know this is a big battleground for some Christian conservatives. (Now, before my neighbors attack me for criticizing Christians, please note I said some. And please also note that I am choosing not to address any other religions that also oppose gay marriage at this point - though I know they are out there - because they don't tend to be the one most influential on Washington.) The Christianity I grew up with taught me a few key things: don't judge others, don't hate, love every person and treat them as you would want to be treated.
Marriage is a great, beautiful, difficult and challenging path. By most accounts, I have a successful one (we are still together after almost 10 years and we still madly love each other). But I am no means any expert on it. I do not believe that I am somehow more fit for it because I am straight. Nor do I believe I am any more loving a spouse, any more loyal, any more prepared to make life and death decisions. I am not. I am just as equipped as everyone, and I mean EVERYONE, else out there.
I have never heard a single argument against gay marriage that makes sense (and for that matter didn't sound like it was being spat out by someone stricken with rabies). If you are against it, I ask you to look inside yourself and ask what difference it makes to you? In your daily life, what does it matter? And ask yourself if you are the kind of person that is comfortable having different standards for people based on immutable characteristics?
It used to be that this country sterilized people with developmental disabilities and refused to allow them to get married. Interracial marriages were criminal. We have taken a long time to evolve as a people and to treat each other with the respect and dignity we so desperately want. Why are we denying ourselves the opportunity to fully realize an equal society?
Comments
Thanks for saying everything I think! :)
I recall having an argument with another Voxer way back when on this topic, and he couldn't put forth a single argument that was not easily defeated. And he claimed not to be a homophobe.
Huh?
Just and FYI, with the right legal help these sort of problems can be eliminated. People can work with a lawyer to cover all the bases when someone might pass away or need hospital care or whatever else irregardless of a marriage license. And when it comes to hospitals, they wouldn't let my husband have any say in my care when I went to the ER due to pain from and ovarian cyst. Once I was drugged enough to not be able to make my own decisions the doctors made them, he had no idea what they were even doing and they wouldn't tell him anything either. That's thanks to HIPAA. However, we now have legal documents (thanks to the fact that my hubby does this sort of law) that says that he is authorized to make health decisions if I am unable to do so and have a few back up people just in case we are both incapacitated. With that document he cannot be pushed aside. Technically I'd think that if the lesbian couple had a similar document the hospital would have never been able to exclude her and if they did the hospital could be sued for ignoring a legal document. My hubby has a few clients in similar situations where they use wills and other documents to protect and make sure their wishes are honored.
EF,
Thank you so much for this. It's different to want something for yourself but when others take up for you it means even more. I have tried to spend my own lifetime taking up for causes that make general good sense for all of us. I try, as often as I can to be objective and not just stick up for things that only I or a group or category I fit into will benefit from. My own personal smell test I guess. I always figure that if I generally look after others they will follow suit and look after me. Currently I am trying to look after women from Africa. The horrors they suffer are great and injust and inflicted on them by their own people. Those are the biggest offenses of all. When you are turned on within your own countries, families, neighborhoods there is nowhere to run or hide. When your biggest crime is being born then who do you call upon to take up for you? I appreciate this post more than you can know. I also was never taught in church that there was anything wrong with me. Desmond Tutu told me when I was fourteen "You're a bright young man, and a very nice person to have met". He spoke at my church trying to find funding for African civil rights and to speak out against Apartheid. This gay hatred by various religious people's is a pretty recent phenomenon and it hurts all people very badly. It's a "divide and conquer" mentality and it is to further separate us into groups and hopefully make one group stronger than the other. This is purely leadership and not doctrine. I consider myself a Christian and it doesn't even bother me that other people who claim the same faith don't recognize me as such. Heaven is a place we can only get to by ourselves. All the other people in the building don't get us to the place we all hope to get to if that's what we believe in. It is an inside job. In the end we are all granted our own eternity by the lives we lead, the injustices we decry and the people we help along the way. I feel a great empathy for anybody or any being that suffers. I think that morality is compassion based and not dictated by following a structured game plan to meet the expectations of others. I am greatly comforted by your post and am fortunate to have people like you looking after people like me. I think that was the plan. I really think that these are all character tests and I think that in the end we will all find out just what we were correct in thinking and what we were mislead to believe. Institutionalized hatred is by far one of the greatest hurdles humanity will ever have to face. Those of us who survive it and fight against it will have the comfort in knowing we did the right thing. If that is all we get then I consider myself fortunate for at least trying my hardest to look after others and to try and make the world just a little easier on somebody who is having a difficult time of it. Just as you have done here. On behalf of my loving family I wholeheartedly thank you.
Personally, I think that "Christian" marriage is a matter of the church, not the state, and that Christians should all make that distinction and simply let legal marriage be a matter of LAW, period.
Great post, EF. Thank you for bringing this issue up again. It really can't be aired too much.
I respect religious beliefs, but this is an issue where I think people use religion as an excuse to hide their fear of people different from themselves.
Gay marriage is legal here now, and I don't understand why it isn't legal there too....what difference does it make really? :S
I think your post is brilliant btw. xx
Lovely post & Sentiment ~ 100% agree.
Shushnow is right, there can't be such a thing as over-exposure of this topic at this stage.